


Confessional

by crystalkei



Category: The Avengers
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-24
Updated: 2012-05-24
Packaged: 2017-11-05 23:28:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/412207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalkei/pseuds/crystalkei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post movie, Clint needs someone to forgive him for all the damage he did when Loki took over his mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessional

When she opened the door, Clint was relieved to see he hadn’t woken her. On top of all the other guilt he had, he didn’t need to be dragging her out of bed. She didn’t look surprised to see him so he didn’t feel the need to explain. Natasha just stepped out of the way and held the door open for him to come in.

 

“I’ve come for confession,” he said trying not to sound too serious but she knew he wasn’t joking. “I can’t sleep.”

 

“Lovely,” she said. “But I can, so lie down.” He shouldn’t have come.

 

“I said I couldn’t sleep, but you should, I’ll just go,” he said as he turned but she shut the door before he could escape. He turned and looked at her, his brow furrowed.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, lie down,” she said locking the door and padding back to her bed.

 

Clint stood at the foot of the bed a minute before she glared at him and he moved to lay next to her just to get that look off her face. They’d slept in the same bed numerous times: shitty motels, Five Star resorts where they were playing couple for cover, even on the roof of a few buildings doing recon work. But she always kept a distance and they never let their guard down. That was just how they were trained and it was how they kept things compartmentalized. So tonight they lay on her bed, both staring up at the ceiling, he moved his arms under his head and hers rested on her stomach.

 

“I don’t know how you can sleep,” he said just to break the silence. He loved silence, but since Loki had messed with his head, since everything had happened, he preferred noise of any kind to silence.

 

“I’ve had a pretty packed couple of days,” she said dryly.

 

“Oh?” he asked hoping she’d keep talking.

 

“Hm, let’s see, three days ago I was in Russia,” she started. He cringed.

 

“Luchkov, you’ve been working on that for weeks,” he said realizing he may have ruined a mission that had been important to her.

 

“It’s fine, I got what I needed,” she waved him off.

 

“Yeah?” he asked skeptically.

 

“Well, I didn’t get out of there as clean as I’d have liked to, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, and I didn’t lose my shoes this time.” He turned to see her smile. “And when…” she paused, no one had wanted to mention Coulson and he knew that’s who would have called her back. “When I was called in I was told my partner had been compromised so I made quick work of a few goons and made a messy exit. Nothing crazy.”

 

Oh good. More guilt.

 

“Tasha,” he tried but she stopped him.

 

“I don’t count,” she said sharply. “Don’t put me on your list. It’s all checks and balances and you don’t owe me anything.” He thought about saying something, but there was no point.

 

“So that was three days ago,” she continued. “Then two days ago I was in India.” Clint raised his eyebrow in question. “I had to bring Banner in.”

 

“You brought Banner in?” he said surprised. “I wish you hadn’t, I should have done that it’s always been my-“ Again she cut him off.

 

“But you were indisposed and I did it,” she said dismissing him. “I did just fine.”

 

“I never suggested you couldn’t do it,” Clint offered. “I just know you were scared shitless of his green friend. But you’ve obviously gotten over that.”

 

“It’s a process,” she said before stifling yawning. “But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t share that with Bruce.”

 

“I don’t kiss and tell,” he said trying to joke until he realized that he’d done just that. A flash of Loki and Clint closed his eyes and sighed heavily. “I’m sorry.”

 

He felt her roll to her side, she was looking at him but he didn’t dare open his eyes out of shame.

 

“I told you, I don’t count on your list.” Didn’t matter how many times she said it, it wasn’t going to make it true. She did count. More than maybe even the good men he killed. “No, really,” she said surely. “You couldn’t stop it and it’s fine. I can just come up with all new secrets.”

 

He opened his eyes and saw she had a small smile on her face. It didn’t make him feel better. It made him feel worse. “Make sure you don’t let me in on any of those, Tash.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “So then yesterday,” she started again, obviously trying to change the subject. “Yesterday I was beating the shit out of my partner so I could bring him home.”

 

“You could have bit me somewhere better, somewhere that would have made Tony’s wheels turn. I think that should be our new project, making him go crazy.”

 

She nodded in agreement. “Then today I fought aliens and saved the world, so that’s why I’m tired,” she finished.

 

“Alright, well, I’ll go so you can sleep,” he said trying to get up, but her arm shot out quickly to hold him where he was.

 

“If you wander the decks you’ll just wear yourself out. Even if you can’t sleep, just lie here and let your body rest.”

 

“What, did you get a medical degree while I was gone?” he asked with a scoff. She threw him a look and he rolled his head to the side in surrender.

 

“You are tired. And you could sleep,” she said as she closed her eyes. “You just don’t want to close your eyes.”

 

Of course she knew what it was like. She was probably the only person for miles that knew exactly what he’d been through and he realized that the longer they knew each other, the more nature brought them closer in the most twisted ways. He hated it.

 

“I just keep seeing their faces,” he whispered reverently. “I didn’t need to ask you how many, I remember.”

 

“I know.” And it was sad that she really did. She really understood.

 

“It’s different from the others.”

 

“You forget the righteous kills. They don’t haunt you,” she explained with a sigh. “But you’re going to remember those good men that died, they deserve to be remembered, just don’t let it ruin you because you didn’t have control.”

 

He tried to let her words calm him but they only brought back the memories of frustration. “I thought if I just could yell a little louder and push a little harder I could get him out but the bastard wouldn’t leave.”

 

“If you insist on putting them in your ledger, the saving the world thing balanced the totals,” she said and though he wasn’t looking at her, he could feel her strong, confident gaze on his face. As though she could will him to believe it with just her eyes.

 

“Tasha, when does it get better?” he asked finally looking at her, feeling raw and exposed. This was why he came to her. She was the only one who could give him what he needed. Atonement. Forgiveness. Only she understood.

 

She offered him a small smile. “I think you misunderstood when I said you needed time to level out.” He frowned as she touched his cheek. “You are as level as you’re going to get. But I have a plan. There are steps.”

 

“Tell me there aren’t 12,” he joked.

 

“No,” she said rolling her eyes. “First, you get drunk, then you get laid.”

 

“So far I’m loving this program.” She threw him a look and he cleared his throat and gestured for her to continue.

 

“Then you go to work.”

 

“I’m on medical leave for the next eight weeks, I can’t feel like this for eight weeks,” he complained.

 

“Good thing I’ve lined up a few freelance jobs for us, then.” He perked up and she smiled wide this time. “How do you feel about Jakarta?”

 

“Perfect.” Natasha yawned again and Clint felt badly again. “I’m going to go, you need to sleep.” She shook her head.

 

“Don’t you dare,” she said firmly. “Your body needs to recoup so you will stay here. Even if you don’t sleep. You came here for confession, now I’m giving you your penance. You have to rest. I can’t take you out if you’re exhausted. You’d be useless.”

 

He decided not to fight her over it, realizing that even tired she might resort to physical restraint to keep him here.

 

They’d slept together many times. But they always kept their distance and they never let their guard down. Tonight though, she knew what he needed. After having someone make him a puppet, after spilling all her secrets, and trying to kill her, he didn’t think she could trust him anymore. But as they lay in the bed, she gave him what he needed. She rested her head on his chest, put an arm over his stomach. He put an arm around her shoulder and dropped a kiss on the top of her head and she relaxed. Natasha let her guard down. Nothing she did was without purpose and he knew the meaning behind it. Some might see the scene and assume they were lovers, but he knew that she was giving him a gift. She was telling him that she still trusted him implicitly.

 

Clint didn’t sleep that night, he didn’t want to see the faces of the good men he’d help murder and he didn’t want to dream, but he rested and he reveled in the fact that the one person he trusted and cared about most in the world still trusted him even after his unintentional betrayal. That’s what he needed from her: forgiveness.

 


End file.
